Chapter1: The Devils We Carry

Why? Why does it hurt so much?

On the outside, I put on the face of someone who is perfectly happy, but underneath the surface, I am absolutely terrified right now.

Where are you? Why did you leave me? Am I really not enough? Why does life have to feel so incredibly unfair to me?

I always used to think I was a winner. I genuinely believed that if I loved someone enough, it would be the gravity that kept them anchored to me. But I was wrong. Maybe love is never enough. Sometimes love shouldn't be chased down. Sometimes, you just have to find the strength to let it go.

So, I am trying. I am trying so hard to move on with my life. I actually found someone. He is amazing, and I’ve started calling him my love.

Today, we sat together, and for a moment, the entire world felt completely quiet. We didn’t talk about money, or plans, or the superficial things that usually clog up daily life. Instead, we just talked about our dreams.

He isn't just a partner to me anymore; he’s become my guide. He has this way of helping me see the things I was completely blind to before. Today, he looked at me, his voice soft and steady, and said, "You may find what you are looking for."

I froze. My heart stopped for a beat. I wondered if he could see straight through the armor to the broken parts of me. I wondered if he knew just how deeply lost I actually am. I didn't say it out loud—I couldn't bring myself to—but inside, I made a silent wish.

A secret wish that you will choose me.

Because of that, I keep getting angry at him for absolutely no reason. I snap at him. I push him away. He is dealing with a mountain of stress that he never gave to me, paying the price for a heartbreak and a pain he didn't cause.

I always tell him, "I don't want to be a burden to you."

But the raw reality is that I am just completely overwhelmed by all the things that were unfair to me in the past. I am projecting all my old hurt onto his clean slate.

Today, I finally looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes and confessed, "It has nothing to do with you. I am facing my own devils, and I might not survive."

He didn't walk away. He didn't get mad. He just looked right at me and said, "You are not alone. I will always be with you."

I sit here now, wondering what is deeply wrong with me. Why can't I just love someone simply, without all this wreckage? Why am I like this?

My heart is beating too fast, and I am absolutely terrified.

Am I falling in love again?